More Leggs, the Grand Mattress of the Dayton hash, gave this presentation for our year in review:
It is with a heavy heart that I begin yet another celebration with a moment of silence and a toast to our hasher friends who have moved on to other trails. Last year we recognized Betty, Bermuda’s mother who died Jan. 14th. This year we have 2 additional special friends to honor: Hellbound, who died on what obviously became the saddest trail of the year, May 21, and Pole Dancer who died on June 16th, her 60th birthday, doing what she loved: dinner with family and hash friends and dancing in the arms of her wonderful husband, Tiny Tool. Please raise your vessel in a toast: may they and all the other members of our hash family who have preceded them be forever on true trail. We will be passing around Sunglasses. These came from Pole Dancer and Tiny Tool. Please take one and wear it with happy memories a life well lived.
Let’s recognize and thank the mismanagement team who once again worked so hard to ensure a successful hash year. Every year I am so very pleased to report that my job as Grand Mattress is both pleasurable and manageable because of the hard work and commitment of our mismanagement team.
Please come up when you hear your name. Hash Tyrant: P-Head, On-Sec: Undercovers, Webmeister & BDSM: Cock-A-Noodle, Hash Cash: Bermuda, Hare Raiser: Porkless, Haberdashery & Song Meister: Cat Woman, Hash Armorer: Strap On Santa, Hash Flash: Skin to Win and Pull & Pray. There were also several others of you who assisted with hash duties throughout the year so please join me in a round of applause for the mismanagement team and all others who contributed to the well-being of the Dayton H3. Our next mismanagement change will take place on May 7th at our Spring Formal. It is not too early to consider nominating yourself or a friend for a mismanagement position. Details regarding the election process to follow after the mismanagement mtg on the 27th .
Every year I make a plea requesting each of you to do something for the betterment and continuation of the hash. You all have enthusiastically responded, and I’m proud to report and Undercovers will soon confirm that Dayton has never been stronger. Our hare sign up is almost complete for the whole year.
If you missed the opportunity, ask a hare if you can offer your assistance on trail, BN or B-Wagon and continue to bring Virgins to our events. And, always, thank your hares! Without them, we’d be just another drinking club. And, we definitely are not! Our hash family has found many opportunities this past year to play together outside of our hash runs. Some of these include: impromptu drinking practices, gatherings when out of town hashers arrive, competitive “R” events, Keg openings at the 5thSt. Brewery, camping out at the Tom Foolery River Rampage; participating in the Day of the Dead parade, road tripping to various hashes including Bali for the World hash and to Tampa for the first ever Harriettes weekend, volunteering for Nash Hash, etc. We also did several service activities this year such as helping Slap with her 4th grade running group, cleaning up a stretch of N. Dayton for Earth Day and sprucing up the Peace museum for Make a Difference day. A special salute to 2 of our hashers: Santa who gave CPR instruction and made a heart awareness tag for us to wear and Bimbo who bought an AED that is now being brought to all hashes.
The Dayton hash is almost 30 years old!! I’m going to ask Undercovers to come up and give some of the statistics that she has been keeping so meticulously this past year.
Hash Statistics for 2016
- Total Hashes: 58 (53 in 2015)
- Hasher attending most hashes: Undercovers -53 (second is Cock-a-Noodle at 52)
- Hasher who was named in 2016 (first hash 2/26) with most hashes – Quarter Inch Dick Inside Her – 34
- Out of town hasher who has attended the most hashes – Hot Tub Slut – 38 and hared the most 5
- Total “turnstile attendance” in 2016 – 2259 (1152 in 2015)
- Average attendance per hash in 2016 – 39 (29 in 2015)
- Hasher who hared the most – Porkless – 9 (second are More Leggs and Cock-a-Noodle at 8 each)
- Number of hares (“turnstile attendance”) in 2016 – 153
- Hash with the highest attendance in 2016 – Scavenger Hunt Hash (7/2/16) with 63, hared by Pumps til It Burns, 3 & Out, and Dick Lips.
- We had 79 virgins in 2016 and 21 namings. (47 virgins in 2015 and 5 namings in 2015)
On to reminiscing about 2016. DH3 runs in all sorts of weather: rain, sleet, snow or heat. No hashes were cancelled last year because of the weather, but here are the hashes that were enhanced or made more memorable because of Mother Nature:
Cold: Undercovers and G-Spot’s Jan 10th hash won this category. The trail was laid in frigid cold and blowing snow which caused confusion for the pack and brought tears and a flare-up of Reynold’s disease to Pumps til It Burns at Harrigan’s bar.
Rain: The monsoon rain that fell on the June 4th trail of VD and Pull & Pray brought out the “children” in all of us. We ran thru swollen creeks, a wet tunnel under 35, jumped into puddles and played underpouring downspouts. In spite of all that, Rocky’s still loved us. VD and this time, Sir Squirts a Lot hared the “most delayed” hash of the year Sept 10th. Several of us waited out the rain over an hour in our cars and the hares quickly modified their trail due to the depth of now swollen creeks. But, the hash that got the most nominations as best trail due to weather was the August 27th canoe hash hared by ¼ Barrel and Skin to Win. The pack went from a sweltering, stinky bus ride to dodging lightning bolts and pelting rain. Some folks thought this was the most life-threatening hash of the year.
Snow: Falling snow and a foggy night caused a nomination for the best scenery for the Chinese New Year hash hared by Porkless and More Leggs. The gothic church and cemetery made a super eerie, scenic venue. After this trail, the now “infamous” Gimp’s “manifesto” was written to instruct hares on how to lay marks so that a solo hasher can find trail without the teamwork of the pack.
Most Dangerous hashes: Did anyone fall or draw blood on trails this year? These antics were noteworthy: Sir Squirts a Lot fell and cut his hand on broken glass at the Celtic Festival hash; Goes Down Dirty fell through a rotting bridge plank at the abandoned golf course during the Earth Day hash; Boneless had a very bloody knee from the Chinese New Year hash, of course, Pumps for frostbite (already mentioned) and last but not least Skin to Win for dehydration after haring with Dreams of Dick on their excellent, shiggy-filled Moon trail in Beavercreek. The “scariest” trail nominated was the Riverside/Washington Park moon trail hared by Cock-a- Noodle and More Leggs. Several needles, condoms, irate residents and spooky alleys were reported. Boneless found and carried a trail treasure: a large and heavy sledgehammer to ensure his safety.
Speaking of trail treasure, our group sure enjoys scavenging! I get it about picking up found money on trail but don’t quite understand stealing informational signs from a cemetery (Boneless!!), picking up and rolling all kinds of balls, or embarrassingly stealing Easter eggs not laid by the hares from cemetery gravesites, such as some did at Calvary cemetery on a hash hared by Cock-A-Noodle and Hot Tub Slut and assisted by Undercovers on March 26th. And, the pack was way over-achievers on the April 23rd Earth Day hash, hared by Boneless and More Leggs, when 100’s of lbs of garbage was collected to clean up the environment. But, the trail that produced the most scavenging and “dumpster” diving (including a naming for that very act) was the Scavenger Hunt hash hared by 3&Out, Pumps til It Burns and Dick Lips on July 2nd.
From trash to culture, our next category is best cultural hashes. Gimp and Porkless hared on April 7th the historical automatic musical instruments hash which ended at Gimp’s parents’ house. Gimp and Hot Tub hared the annual Hot Tub hash on Nov 5th that took us past Wright Brother’s sites and Paul Lawrence Dunbar’s home. Porkless and More Leggs initiated the World Peace Thru Beer hash on Oct 22 by beginning at the Peace Museum and running the trail past several local peace sites. As mentioned before, several hashers showed up early to spruce up the Peace museum as part of the annual “make a difference” day activities.
Too much culture? Let’s go to what hashers like to do best: drink! Our next category recognizes the BNs. The most disappointing BN was the one stolen during the Spring Formal hash, hared by Dick Lips, Slap Ya Mama and More Leggs. The most prolific spontaneous beer nears were drunk by enterprising hashers running through UD on the March 18th Wearing o’ the Green hash hared by Porkless, Martha Screw-her and More Leggs. That hash was also nominated for best circle, perhaps because Flannagan’s was providing us with $4.00 pitchers which probably made YIR easier to listen to. The most scenic BN was the 9/30 moon trail set by Porkless and Sir Squirts a Lot where we drank at the overlook at the top of Woodlawn Cemetery. But, by far, the most surprising BN was the Double Pumped! Hash of Nov 29th. We were all amazed to walk into a Shell gas station convenience store and see flights of good craft beer awaiting us. Pumps also threw a fun party afterwards and provided a patch to those who attended both of her back to back harings.
Speaking of parties, Dayton loves theme hashes and loves to dress in costumes. There were about 12 costumed hashes last year. Favorites nominated were The Super Hero hash hared by Noodle, 3&Out and PVT Ass Guardian because of the originality of the costumes, including most authentic non-purchased costume: Porkless as Vision. We also liked the Day of the Dead hash hared by PHead and Catwoman because of the opportunity to mingle with the Muggles, and the Wearing o’ the Green hash hared by PL and ML nominated for best trail in a costume. So, if you are like me, you have a wardrobe and set of drawers just for hash attire. If not, shop your favorite Goodwill. We will be continuing costumed runs again this year. But, my personal plea: please, Boneless: no more tutus and tights like you wore at Mardi Gras. I can’t get that image out of my mind!
Best ending/on after: Runner Ups included Pump’s house after Double Pumped hash, CIS and Oral Cummunicator for their July 4th hash, Goes Down Dirty and Munchskins for the bonfire at their home after their July 16th 7 miles or so death march hash, the kilted hash of April 9th hared by Bimbo and BMW, the Celtic festival hash hared by Tiny Tool and Undercovers and the Mardi Gras hash Jan 24th hared by Slap Ya Mama and Skin to Win. Not only did Skin and Slap set a night trail that rocked, they fed us with great Mardi Gras sausage, red beans and rice and King Cake. The overall winner of best on after goes to the Spring Formal/PHead’s 1000th hash hared by Undercovers, Slap and More Leggs because of the Canoe Club venue, flowing kegs, lots of good food and PHead sitting on ice.
Best Moon: Moons are no longer like they used to be, which was 3 miles of fairly routine road running. Runners up this year was the Feb 8th Porkless and More Leggs Chinese New Year trail for its snow-enhanced shiggy climb, cemetery and woods; the May 6th Undercovers/G-Spot well-marked trail in Centerville for its shiggy and super tunnel, the July 19th Skin to Win and Dreams of Dick’s Beavercreek trail for its shiggy and creek crossing. The overall winner of best moon trail was the Sept 30th Belmont trail hared by Sir Squirts a Lot and Porkless who led the pack through a tunnel, creek bed, fences, fields and a muddy night climb. As one hasher put it, this was the “Best Sat Urban trail done on a night hash”.
“Shittiest” trail: Not to be confused with the “shiggiest” trail which will come next, the June 18th hash in Sycamore Park, Trotwood, hared by I’m Cuming, Tiny Tool and More Leggs was duly noted for the 4 miles of shoe-sucking horse shit the runners encountered. Ask G-Spot if she ever retrieved her lost shoe.
Shiggiest Sat trail: Runners up included the Aug 13th Hintermeister Park, West Carrollton 5 mile trail set by G-Spot, Little Lady Boner and Reach Around, and Bermuda’s and Goes Down Dirty’s May 22nd Nature Immersion trail in Old Town. The overall winner was the “Long Trail, Best Trail” Nash Hash Sat trail set by PHead, ¼ Barrel and VD. It was obvious that several days were spent scouting this one.
Thanks to all who voted and more importantly, thanks to all who helped make 2016 another delightful hashy year. Looking forward to memorable adventures again this year.
Happy Trails to all!